


In These Old Familiar Rooms

by Groovyviewbie



Series: I Feel Like I Win When I Lose [4]
Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: ABBA inspired, Answers to why Jared has the always blue ball, Author projects hard onto Richard Hendricks, M/M, Post Finale, Pre Documentary, Songfic, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26700001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Groovyviewbie/pseuds/Groovyviewbie
Summary: In the empty halls of the Hacker Hostel, Jared said goodbye to Richard for what he was certain would be the last time. They’d parted ways before but never like this, never with Jared so content to see him go.Or: Richard is leaving and Jared has to let him go.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Series: I Feel Like I Win When I Lose [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1924216
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	In These Old Familiar Rooms

**Author's Note:**

> As always completely edited by me so all of the mistakes and ramble moments are on me. Inspired by Knowing Me, Knowing You by (you guessed it) ABBA.

It had been two weeks since the failure of Pied Piper. Two weeks since Jared had seen Richard Hendricks. It wasn’t the first time they’d been apart for extended periods of time, only this tie Pied Piper was gone. No longer did Jared have a company to go running back to. This had an air of finality to it, Jared’s worst fears come to life. With no Pied Piper there was nothing keeping them together. After everything they'd been through together, was it possible that all Richard was was a brief workplace acquaintance? Everyone else had checked in. He'd even had drinks with Monica the week prior, both finding the encounter slightly awkward but enjoyable nonetheless.

Which is why it came as such a shock to Jared when he was awoken at six-thirty by a message rather than his alarm. He pushed off his sleep mask to see Richard's name illuminating the screen of his phone. ‘Jian-Yang is kicking me out. Have until the end of the day to pack up my stuff. Kind of freaking out and I need you.’

Jared didn’t hesitate, especially with the uncharacteristic display of straightforward honesty from Richard. Things were bad and as always; Jared was prepared to pull Richard from whatever mess he’d found himself in, no matter the early hour. Monica had mentioned something about visiting Richard at the Hacker Hostel, that he’d moved in with Bighead while he made plans for his future. He supposed it made some sense. The hostel had always been his home, safe and comfortable. Jared understood the yearning for that feeling more than anything. 

When he arrived, Jared let himself in, thankful that Jian-Yang hadn’t changed the locks yet. The emptiness that greeted him was shocking but not surprising. Of course Jian-Yang had gutted the place again the minute he took over from Bighead. Probably threatened to do the same to Richard’s things and, as a horrifying afterthought, probably threatened the same of Richard too. Even though he’d seen it like this before, it still took some getting used to.The memories made in this room were enough to make up for a lifetime of missed opportunities. This was the room where Pied Piper had started, where he’d taken a chance on Richard Hendricks and won the best years of his life. This was the room where he’d fallen in love for the second time in his life, and the room where he was sure he’d get his heart broken again.

A crashing sound down the hall pulled Jared from his thoughts, his feet automatically rushing towards Richard’s room like they used to in a crisis. He hesitantly opened the door, hovering in the doorway as he took in the scene before him. Richard lay in the middle of the room, surrounded by empty boxes and piles of discarded clothes and books. Adorned in his usual hoodie, defined chin covered by two week’s worth of stubble. Messy yet familiar. He was so clearly in distress and yet Jared couldn’t help but stare for a moment too long. It suited him, made him look older, distinguished in a way, even as he lay sprawled out in a mess of his own belongings like a petulant child.

“Richard?” Jared spoke softly, not wanting to startle him with his presence. Remembering that first night where he lurked by the window, scaring Richard with his very being. Slowly, he stepped into the room, kneeling by his side. He was careful not to touch him, even though he wanted desperately to reach out and smooth down his messy curls, knowing it took time to build up that contact with Richard. Restraint was required, especially when he was in such a delicate state.

Richard quickly sat up, hands jamming into the pockets of his hoodie, his go to gesture to keep himself shut off. “Hey.” Richard’s voice was raspy, his face wincing ever so slightly as he used his voice for what was probably the first time in a few days. 

“Oh Richard, let me get you some water.” Before Richard could protest, Jared rushed out into the kitchen. He looked through the cupboards, freezing when he saw the sole mug left behind. The black twitter mug. The mug he'd used that morning, that horrible morning, when Richard had shown up on the doorstep, shivering and sleep deprived. He had draped a blanket over his shoulders and prepared his tea, leaving Gwart to her own devices momentarily so he could bask in the feeling of Richard being dependant on him. The moment had turned sour all too quickly and, before Jared knew what was happening, he was raising his voice with a gun in his hands, regret pooling in the pit of his stomach. With no other choice, he grabbed the mug, filling it with water before returning to Richard's room. Still, he couldn't help the worry that coarse through him. Should he have found another receptacle for the beverage? One with less hideous memories attached. 

When Richard didn't give a second glance at the mug, Jared knew he'd made a mountain out of a particularly incidental mole hill. Of course Richard didn't remember the details of that day, especially not when he was already going through so much. As Richard reached for the mug, an awful thought crossed his mind that he should have brewed some tea, that it would be much more soothing. His worries alleviated moments later when Richard thanked him for the water, voice slightly less hoarse. 

Without a word, Jared got to work. He labelled a box for Richard's belongings and one for Goodwill, knowing that he would need to downsize some of his things if he was serious about going travelling. Broaching that subject wasn’t something he was prepared for though, fearful of what he would lose with Richard gone. Even if he couldn't help but notice the map taped to the whiteboard, marked up in red pen and looming over him like a ticking clock. His hopes of the travelling being nothing more than an offhand comment were instantly crushed by the evidence of his plans. Plans he knew he couldn't sneak a look at for fear he would in fact follow Richard across the globe. Instead, he held up various items of clothing for Richard to inspect, making some executive decisions until Richard felt up to sorting through items himself.

By midday, they had barely made a dent in Richard's belongings. A few books had been tossed into the Goodwill box and many hoodies taken out of each box before being put back in again. Richard's indecisiveness was putting a dent into Jared's productivity. When he heard Richard's stomach grumble, Jared jumped to his feet. Logically, he knew he shouldn’t just jump to attention anymore. Now that Pied Piper was over, they were equals, potential friends instead of boss and employee. Still, he knew Richard was fragile and his caring instinct took over despite his better instincts. Besides, in his experience this was part of being friends. The give and the take. 

He found himself back in the kitchen, finding that the fridge wasn't too empty. Jian-Yang’s prized possession thankfully intact. He looked over the scattered ingredients, avoiding the cilantro before reaching for the pack of cheese slices. As he worked to prepare a grilled cheese, he couldn't help but recall the time he'd found Gilfoyle dismantling the fridge, the smell of the cigarettes almost fresh to his senses. That had been around the time Richard had offered him COO. The time Jared realised that their friendship wasn’t as one sided as he’d always presumed. Richard had chosen him over the much more qualified, and charismatic, Ben Burkhardt. The memory only served to bring tears to his eyes which he blinked away quickly. It was ridiculous really, standing in an empty kitchen with the ghosts of memories dancing around him. He was a grown man on the verge of tears over inconsequential moments in history, moments that nobody would remember in the years to come, when the name Pied Piper reverted back to associations with German fairy tales. Shaking away the memories, he placed the sandwiches onto kitchen towels, returning to Richard’s room.

He stood in the doorway, noticing in his absence Richard had made some progress in sorting the rest of his mess. He handed Richard the sandwich, sitting on the floor across from him with his own. “So Richard, do you want to talk about what you plan to do now? Do you have somewhere to go?” Jared’s already soft voice was barely above a whisper, hardly wanting to broach the subject at all.

Richard avoided his eye line, instead focusing on the grilled cheese in his hands. An awkward energy intruded on the peace they had been working in before. Whatever Richard was avoiding saying, was already marked out on the whiteboard behind him. He was going off to discover the world and Jared wasn't invited. The familiar feeling of abandonment crept upon Jared, burying itself within the pits of his stomach. Suddenly his grilled cheese was not as appetising as it had been seconds before.

“Yeah, I uh I guess. I was going back to Tulsa for a little while. You know? Stay with my parents. I mean who better to stay with when your life goes to shit right? We probably all need our parents right now, even Gilfoyle, and his mom is a fucking bitch.” Richard shrugged, followed by a brief exhale through his nose, a substitute for the laugh he couldn't quite muster. It was like it was nothing to him, like having a family to fall back on was the most casual thing in the world. He clearly saw the hurt Jared was trying so hard to supress, because panic flashed through him almost immediately, followed by his usual rambling words. “Not that that is… I didn’t mean that, I know yours aren’t… Fuck. I just meant, family you know? Shit no you don't know because you were abandoned as a baby and then treated like shit your whole life. It was a stupid thing to say. I'm sorry man. I’m just really tired and- No no excuses. That’s bad right? I-it's like a non-apology, or justification or something? I think Dr Donovan said something about that when I saw her last Thursday, I've been trying to actually listen in our sessions recently, not just wallow in my own self pity. Anyway I'm trying to- you know, apologise. I’m really sorry.”

Jared just found himself nodding to his questions, reaching out to squeeze Richard’s shoulder to calm his rambling. “It’s okay Richard. You don’t have to feel guilty for having parents who love you. Trust me, people have said much more hurtful things about my familial situation, my family themselves in fact.” Jared took a moment to reflect on meeting his family, shaking it off as soon as the thought crossed his mind. The confused look in Richard’s eyes reminded him that he hadn’t actually told Richard about his disastrous meeting with his birth parents. Something he definitely didn’t want to reflect on in that moment. “I think it’s a lovely idea to go see your parents. I know that little Ellie has a birthday coming up which will be nice to celebrate, and your mother misses you terribly.”

“Huh, yeah, I guess.” Richard answered, before Jared's words truly sunk in. “Wait how do you know when my niece’s birthday is?”

Jared blushed at the question, realising now just how many things about his life he didn’t share with the man he considered his closest confidant. It was an odd feeling, knowing every minute detail about someone who practically knew nothing about you in return. “Oh of course, I thought Elaine would have mentioned something to you. I began exchanging recipes with your mother a few years ago. Remember when you asked me to organise a gift for your parents wedding anniversary? Well, along with the tasteful cufflinks and bracelet I sent on your behalf, I also sent a batch of my homemade cookies as a little something from myself. We stayed in contact from there.” Worry seeped into his tone, fear that he’d overstepped his boundaries taking over. “I’m terribly sorry if I overstepped. I thought I had discussed this with you Richard. Last winter, when I prepared you meatloaf and you said it tasted like home?”

“Right yeah but I thought it was just recipes and stuff. Jared, are you uh- I mean- are you friends with my mom?” Richard couldn’t hold back the small smile, running a hand over his chin to try and hide it, not wanting Jared to mistake his amusement for mockery. There was something almost sweet about Jared befriending his mother, something that had rarely happened in his childhood. Any friend he or his sister bought home were instantly ushered upstairs, away from his embarrassing parents. He couldn't help but imagine what it would have been like to be friends with Jared in high school. It was so clear to picture Jared in his childhood home, animatedly talking to his mother while they cooked together. Katie would stand beside him and tease him about how his 'boyfriend' was best friends with their mom but Richard wouldn't care. It would have been nice, to have a friend who got along with his family. 

Jared returned Richard's smile, wishing he could read Richard's thoughts as he sat in concentration. “I suppose in a way I am yes. She really is a remarkable woman.” It was nice, comforting almost, to know that Richard didn’t hate the idea of Jared being friends with Elaine. Her emails had been a lovely look into what life must have been like for Richard growing up. All warm words and patience. Smart enough to keep up with Richard's brilliant mind but calm and caring in a way that only a mother could be. A happy home that Jared couldn’t even begin to imagine. 

“Yeah she’s okay I like her. I mean she’s my mom so… She’s pretty awesome actually. Does that make me sound super lame?” Richard winced at the idea, a brief memory of his head in a toilet bowl after admitting he considered his mom his best friend. 

“I don’t think that’s lame. I think it’s wonderful.” Jared replied, something most would say just to be kind, but that was completely genuine coming from him. 

A quiet descended on the room once they finished their lunch. They returned to their work, staying quiet save for an occasional ‘Keep’ or ‘Goodwill’ from Richard, nothing with any substance. They were in a precarious situation, an air of finality between them, but neither wanting to let go for good. Jared had always strived for perfection in everything he did. Almost every relationship he had ended because he tried too hard. Things were far from perfect between him and Richard and now, Jared feared, they never would be. They were a grammatical error. A mistake unnoticed by an editor, picked up by a machine but remaining unchanged. An obnoxious red squiggle beneath them. The thought made Jared laugh out loud, averting his eyes when Richard’s quizzical gaze landed on him.

“I’m sorry if I startled you Richard, it’s just, four dots. I just understood the joke.” Jared said between laughter, laughing a little too intensely for what amounted to a pretty awful joke. “It’s a fun grammatical error. Because things aren’t perfect if you use four dots. An imperfection tarnishing the perfect-”

It was the sort of thing Jared said that would be followed up by some sad childhood detail. _Tarnishing the perfect, as I did at the group home board game nights where being a stickler for the rules got me banished to the closet._ Even though his imagined story was far from the worst thing Richard could imagine, he found he didn’t want to think about the harm caused to Jared, the pain he wore like a badge of honour. Instead of subjecting him to whatever memory he was about to conjure, Richard interjected. “Yeah Jared, I know. I’m the one who made the joke. But it really wasn’t that funny.” Richard shifted uncomfortably, returning back to his task at hand before he could see the disappointment flash before Jared’s eyes. That stupid joke had been it, the downfall of his empire. Maybe Richard was a little too fragile for human interaction. 

Richard threw his last hoodie into the keep box, looking around himself to make sure nothing was getting left behind. Once he was certain he had everything, he grabbed the Goodwill box, being thrown off balance by the weight immediately. He let it slip through his fingers, spilling some of the contents at Jared’s feet. He shrugged off the misstep, grabbing the keep box instead. It was thankfully a lot lighter than the Goodwill box. It was probably symbolic in a way, stumbling over the heavy burden of his past unable to keep it neatly packed away, never able to properly let go. It was the exact burden that would lead to him hurting Jared, if he ever let him fully in, leaving him out on the sidewalk in his own personal Goodwill box. Richard took the box out to his car before he had a chance to do something stupid like invite Jared to Tulsa with him. 

While he was alone, Jared thought he’d make himself useful. He started to scoop the items back into the Goodwill box. That’s when he found it. Buried under an old Stanford hoodie, the symbol of every celebration they’d had along their Pied Piper journey. The always blue ball. Jared fished it out, frowning at it as if it had jumped into the box on its own volition and not been put there purposefully. Richard returned just as Jared threw the ball in the air, catching it on its yellow side. He’d never really been one for games anyway.

“This seems to have been put out for Goodwill by mistake.” Jared held the ball out towards Richard, expecting some form of gratitude but was instead met with an indifferent shrug. Richard took always blue, twisting it between his hands as he paced the room. Maybe it had been a mistake, maybe if Richard believed that, then he could believe in a future here in the valley. He could spend a summer in Tulsa and then return triumphant. A new, better and more profitable, idea on hand, his mistakes long forgotten. He’d be smarter, more mature after a summer of self-discovery. He would have the confidence to open up to his family and still be welcome with open arms, bring a guy home with him when he visited at Christmas. Arm in arm without fear of mockery from his friends or rejection from his father. _Maybe that guy could even be-_ Richard stopped that train of thought before he found the name, knowing it was a dangerous game that would only end in his fears and anxieties getting the best of him.

“Yeah I mean, whatever. Always blue is for celebrating and who are we even kidding? It’s all over. No use for that stupid toy anymore.” Richard tried to throw the ball back into the box, hands balling into fists when it bounced away and rolled into the now empty closet instead. He shoved his fists into the pockets of his hoodie, suddenly very aware of Jared’s concerned eyes fixed on him.

“Goddamnit. You know what, why don’t you go home? I need to head off early tomorrow and uh, you know we’re pretty much done here, so…” Richard walked to the doorway as he spoke, leaning on the doorframe as he waited to show Jared out, stomach twisting in unfamiliar ways at the prospect of letting Jared walk out the door. There was nothing he could do to take it back. This was the goodbye he'd been postponing all day. If he were honest with himself, he could have packed the boxes himself and yet he'd messaged Jared at some ungodly hour of the morning. “Wait, just wait here a second.” Richard couldn't stop the goodbye that was coming but he could at least delay the inevitable. 

Jared was left alone once more as Richard sped out of the room. He’d had a brief moment of hope when he’d handed over the ball, seeing something in Richard’s moment of contemplation. Then with one question, that awful twisting feeling returned. The one that always followed his brief ideas of hope, rearing its ugly head again. Why had he been foolish enough to think that Richard would come to some sort of realisation now? That after all these years he’d turn around and finally see Jared for more than his economics degree and business development skills, see through his many flaws and think he was enough. Why would Richard, who had just dumped all of his baggage and lost it all, want to take him on, keep him in his life as anything more than a casual acquaintance? 

When ten minutes had passed, and Richard still hadn’t returned from wherever he’d rushed off to, Jared got up to leave. He hesitated in the doorway to take one last look inside. Through the many memories playing out around the room, the ball caught his eye, pulling him back inside as if calling his name. It had managed to land on blue when Richard had thrown it, perpetually a symbol of hope even when it wasn’t trying to be. Maybe that was his problem. Maybe Jared placed too much on inanimate objects and meaningless symbols to guide him. Heck he’d left a stable job and a fantastic career to follow a mad man with a dream, but he couldn’t help but feel the ball landing on blue had been a sign. He carefully slipped it into his messenger bag, almost certain that one day it would be useful to them once more. 

Richard returned from the garage, holding onto Jared’s Pied Piper jacket, something he had been almost positive he’d misplaced for good. He gratefully took it from Richard, frowning when he noticed the scorch marks around the cuffs. The question was on the tip of his tongue when Richard spoke up.

“Gilfoyle tried to burn it. A bet with Dinesh. I think they dangled it over the flames before they realised what assholes they truly would be if they let it burn.” Richard shrugged before holding the jacket out to Jared. “I found it last weekend, I got kind of mad at it. It’s yours, so I didn’t throw it out or whatever, I just hid it. I figured you'd want it back.” Richard kept his eyes on the floor as Jared took the jacket, their fingertips brushing briefly in the exchange. The gesture sent those familiar shockwaves through him which he very quickly filed away in the filing cabinet of his mind, locked away under ‘Do Not Open’. 

_Run far away Richard, find a nice Tulsan girl and settle down in Oklahoma._ The thought made Richard shudder, just not as much as the idea of opening up to Jared, subjecting him to his anxiety ridden, neurotic tendencies. Richard was worse as a boyfriend than he was as a CEO. From pushing Jimmy in the lake moments after their wonderful first kiss, to throwing himself down Winnie’s stairs just to prove he was right. That sort of selfishness wasn’t what Jared needed, so running was the best option. Even if that horrible selfish part of him hoped he'd turn around one day and find Jared still following right behind. Another thought for the filing cabinet. He wasn't even gay so those thoughts shouldn't really worry him and yet he still buried them. 

“Hey Jared, I think it’s best if you keep your distance you know? Find yourself something new, I mean I’m going to be okay so it’s probably best if you focus on you, just for now yeah?” Richard could taste the familiar metallic taste on his tongue as his teeth sunk a little too hard on his bottom lip, unable to meet the tears that were undoubtably brimming in Jared’s eyes. 

“Oh, of course Richard. If that’s what you think is best.” Jared was surprisingly serene with Richard’s instructions, willing to do one last task for his captain. Scrubbing his life clean and starting fresh wasn’t exactly something unfamiliar to him anyway. He found his thumb running over the scorch marks of the jacket in his hands, the word _stay_ lying dead on his tongue. Letting Richard go was probably for the best in the end. Jared's baggage was a lot heavier than a few hardback books and old jeans after all. 

In the empty halls of the Hacker Hostel, Jared said goodbye to Richard for what he was certain would be the last time. They’d parted ways before but never like this, never with Jared so content to see him go. It was for the best. Richard needed time apart to lick his wounds and if Jared never saw him again, they at least had the memories of everything they’d built together. Well, the memories and the novelty jacket.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was the song that inspired this whole series but was incredibly difficult for me to get out. However I refuse to let this collection fade away without finishing so I persisted. Thanks to anyone who has made it this far, I promise there will be happier times to come for these two nerds. Next up comes my take on the world tour.


End file.
